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Out of the Kitchen

I, Too
by Langston Hughes

I, too, sing America

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed --

I too, am America 

I have always loved Langston Hughes, ever since I was assigned to read him in 9th grade English. His poems & stories really show a different side to the race issue. But his words speak to so much more than race. They speak to any one in our America that is made to feel like they are less than society says is acceptable. Those that are not readily tolerated due to spirituality, gender, sexual persuasion, physical attributes, whatever may possibly separate us from what is considered 'normal' society.

But we, the dispossessed & refugees, sit in the kitchen & eat. We laugh, we eat well, we grow stronger. We accept those sitting around the table with us, no matter their 'wrongness'. We become better than the society that sent us there. We become able to stand up & say "no, no more kitchen". We become the beautiful ones and we can shame those that relegated us to the kitchen!

But what good is it if we come forth and then become like them? We need to maintain our sense of compassion; our sense of being on the outside. We need to always remember how it feels to be in the kitchen, so we can keep those coming behind us from ever feeling that way. We cannot lose sight of that awful feeling of being thought less than perfect; of being considered a failure; of being the objects of bigotry & prejudice. We have to be the ones to teach by example what true tolerance & acceptance are - for every form of life on this planet we call home.

We are full of potential to change our world - one small piece at a time. Shall we accept the challenge and come out of the kitchen?

Discovery - Revelation - Growth!

This has been a very interesting week! But it has also been full of personal growth & realizations, so a good week.

Most of the chaos has revolved around vacation time. The girls & I have been planning since last summer to go to the beach for a week this summer for Carly's graduation present. We planned on taking 3 of their friends and just chilling out. I was looking forward to a wonderful week relaxing & doing as we please by the sea. Of course, that has now changed -

My dad's side of the family is gathering in Anna Maria Island for a week. I want my daughters to have this family time with the extended family but I really didn't want to spend my vacation with certain bitter, negative, bitchy, manipulative, snide, derogatory members of said extended family.  But I agree to go for my girls' sake & my dads'. We are going to be renting houses side by side & I figured that I can avoid those nasty members a good bit.

Here's where it gets good - I find out this week that the one cousin that I have a very hard time dealing with & her very bratty 10 yr old are also going to be staying in the house that the girls & I will be in. And all the extra friends are still coming with us - so. I lost it. I had a mini meltdown - my emotions went nuts. I ended up bawling & getting very upset about this. I was getting physically sick of the idea of spending a week with her & this vacation is 4 months away! That's how bad she affects me.

There are lots of back issues involved - one is the fact that growing up I was told every time we spent time with this side of the family that I had to set an example for them as a good little Christian child. What actually happened was I was bullied & walked all over & was a doormat for this cousin. She blamed me for everything that happened - that she did - or orchestrated it to look like I did it. And I was not allowed to defend myself in any way. Then we were constantly pitted against each other by my grandmother - I don't think she meant it to be harmful but it did not cause us to become best friends. And now this cousin has just become very bitter & hard & bitchy due to her life choices. And her mother is not much better.

I took a some personal time yesterday from work, cause I was so upset by all this that I couldn't function. I drove into Asheville & went to the labyrinth. I walked the labyrinth, asking the Goddess to show me what the core was - what I needed to know to deal with this. This labyrinth in Asheville is in the River Arts district - right next to train tracks - traffic - dogs barking - the smell of spray paint. But I was able to really feel Her in me & hear Her talking to me as I walked it. She helped me realize that I can find peace & quiet in Her in the midst of chaos - that I need to turn to her when I am feeling so nuts. I finished the labyrinth & went over the river and sat & meditated & walked some more. As I was enjoying the sun on the river, She really slammed me with something. The reason that I was so upset was that once again my vacation had been usurped by family - that I was feeling like I had lost control of something that was very important to me. I was panicking because I was reliving all the years before when I had not been able to defend myself & be me in the family. This was reinforced by the good aunt telling me to bite my tongue around the others. So my Goddess told me to take back control. To still go & be part of the family but to be in control of my time & vacation - to not be on the defensive but to just do as I choose. Not to ignore them and definitely not allow them to bully & walk all over me - but just to do as I needed to for my vacation.

So another chance for growth - another chance to learn about me & what needs to be overcome in me. Practically, I am going to make plans with my girls to do things - if they don't want to, then I will on my own. I am going to function down there as if I was on vacation by myself. I will spend time with the family but it is not going to be my top concern - I will defend myself if they get snippy.

I am once again looking forward to vacation - and I think it will definitely be a turning point for me - a good one - a growth time - a time to reveal more treasures that have been hidden for ever -

Musings about my daughters -

It really amazes me how different my daughters are. Coming from the same parents, same experiences growing up, same environment, but they are very different people. My oldest (20) is a hippie, bohemian, drama queen, comedienne, risk-taker, explorer, artist, outspoken, full of surprises. My youngest (18) is puritanical, dependable, practical, down to earth, stick in the mud, loyal, honest, OCD, regulated, narrow minded, introverted (until she knows you), fairly predictable. But they also have a lot in common - both love music, have great wits, intelligent, independent, articulate, social, compassionate, generous, responsible. You know they are sisters to look at them, but when you really get to know them, you are surprised they come from the same home. It spins my head around trying to relate to them because I have to change tracks every time - I can tell Shelby something one way & then have to rethink it in a completely different way for Carly. Same news but two completely different takes on it. So confusing but so much fun! They do keep me on my toes & I wouldn't trade them for anything. So looking forward to seeing them as young women & in community. Will be awesome & crazy & wonderful & surprising -

Throwing punches -

For some reason I am sitting here tonight just throwing punches & laughing! I feel like the next big breakthrough is on its way & I am excited, eager, nervous but ready to fight it out! I am just giddy with the thought & wanting to just dance around the room - I think I will! I am almost euphoric for some reason - don't know why - maybe my spirit in anticipation of what the Goddess is working in me next -

This summer is going to be very interesting for me. I have the distinct impression - thanks to my daily tarot that I have been drawing - that all my closet doors are going to swung wide open & I am going to be out & proud.

I have been planning on taking my girls & 2 of their friends to the beach in FL for a week this summer, but now we are going down for a family reunion! With the side of the family that was being derogatory about my new path when they saw it on my Facebook - that's why I kicked them all off. The ones that ratted me out to my Dad before I was ready to tell him. I am going to have my tattoo & be very open about my spirituality. We are going to be on Anna Maria Island & I think just about everyone is going to be there. Should be loads of fun! I have a feeling I may let them all have a piece of my mind before the week is over because they tend to be very pushy & bitchy & derogatory - but I can now - I can be myself & not be concerned about what they think about me - I'm actually looking forward to the trip! One house - me. my dad, possibly 5 girls - and the rest of the family next door! What could be more fun?

A Good Place

I am in a good place. Life is good - things are ok - there is calm & acceptance. It's not perfect, but it's good. I am content with right now. I know there is a lot of work to be done & a lot of walls to knock down but that's ok. Right now I'm good. In this present moment all is right in my world. I have learned some important things about myself lately that are stirring up an excitement in me - for me. I know there is good stuff to come - I don't have to be afraid of what I might find behind my walls. It's good stuff - it's wonderful treasure - it's full of light & life. No more hiding from myself - no more worrying about what could be in me that is so bad - no more turning away from who I am. It's good stuff! I'm good stuff! And I keep finding better stuff (I'm starting to sound like a Snapple commercial!) - excitement is building - desire is building - eagerness is building. More steps out of the closet & these aren't baby steps - these are giant steps!

Comfortable Living

I have had several people tell me recently that I seem to happier these days. I have been thinking about that & realize that I am happier. I am feeling more comfortable in my spirituality & sexuality which contributes to my happiness. I am feeling very content in my job & home life. I am feeling better health wise & have plans to feel even better. I am learning who my friends are & am making efforts to get out & do this year. I am enjoying myself without worrying about others -

The main thing I realize is that I am content! I am finally beginning to know who I really am and I like it. I am no longer living my life according to everyone else's expectations - I am living it for me. I made decisions that are based solely on my needs & desires. Not that I am forgetting my responsibilities, but I am not putting myself last any more.

I know that it is going to be difficult again. There will be stressors - there have been. But I am able to handle them better -  let them run their course & get them dealt with easier. They aren't affecting me as much as they used to.

I feel that the main reason for this is finally getting comfortable in my spirituality. Getting past the craziness of the change and the initial reactions of family - getting into a daily pattern of living - learning more & more on how to walk my chosen path - being more open with everyone around me about it -  and I think that openness is becoming more apparent in other areas of my life. I am no longer walking around guarded & aloof.

Walls are falling - I actually feel them coming down - see them in my dreams crumbling to the ground - and I know that I am coming out from behind them with my sword raised high in victory! It is soon going to be time to celebrate the real Jo  -

 

Lots of Misc.

This is an accumulation of several days. So much going on that I haven't been able to take the time to sit down & narrate it all - so here goes -

Saturday was a wonderful day. I spent the a large part of the day in a Beginning Appalachian Hoodoo workshop with a terrific teacher - Byron Ballard. It was so much fun & so full of information. I sorta figured out I might have an innate ability at this - or at least a very creative mind! I can't wait to learn more & try new ways of putting things together to create an intent. Looking forward to finding that hillbilly deep within me! 

After I finished the workshop, I went and got my first tattoo! Was sorta dreading it but was also very ready for it. And I am so glad I did it. I followed through on something - didn't chicken out - didn't 'fake' it - didn't wave it off. I did it! And I am very proud of myself & very pleased with the end result. And I am already planning the next one!  

Then Sunday, I went to temple for devotions. It was wonderful. Susie brought a devotional about Brigit & it was great. I loved the community feeling & fellowship that was there. Am looking forward to attending more. The new & larger space that Mother Grove now occupies is really nice. So much less cramped. 

Then Angela & I went to Charlotte for a product launch party for mom bloggers. It was loads of fun! Angela & I had a great time on the drive just getting to know each other better.  We discovered that we think a lot a like - not sure that's a good thing but it was fun. The product we saw was a new, natural snack food by Apure Foods, a division of Hershey's. It is all natural & made with a cocoa powder base. I was very skeptical, 'cause healthy food usually tastes pretty blah, but this stuff was really good. It is called Eat. Think. Smile and is carried at Lowe's Foods right now but will be in other markets soon. The combination of cocoa powder & fruits & natural grains is really tasty. I had a hard time putting the samples down. It was nice to find something out there that will satisfy the chocolate craving & make me feel less guilty for eating it. 

Anyway, I will try to do better with my blogging. I really want to make this a daily thing - a journal of my thoughts, events & feelings. I am seeing the need to write stuff down before I forget it - if just for me to remember that I did it or felt it or was touched by it later. 

TTFN - on the flip side -

Another day -

So looking forward to this weekend! Both days are fully scheduled, but full of fun. Hoodoo workshop Saturday at Mother Grove, then getting my first tattoo at 5:00. Trying not to chicken out! Then on Sunday, going to morning devotional at Mother Grove & then on to Charlotte with Angela for a blogger something. But it has free food & stuff, so it's all good. Angela & I will be talking about planning a summer fete for Mother Grove to help raise money for In the Arms of the Goddess - the temple's charity outreach. Really looking forward to helping with this -

Had my first chat with my life coach. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was really neat. Just answering the basic questions helped me think of ways to achieve my goals in the different areas of my life. I can see this experience being very helpful for me -

Have started planning for Carly's graduation trip[ to the beach this summer - we are going down to Ormond by the Sea for the first week of July. So excited to be going to the beach! I haven't been in almost 15 years & I need some ocean time so bad! Put money into a separate bank account to start saving. A big chunk of the tax refund will go int here too, but it is going to be so much fun -

Am really feeling at peace with a lot in my life right now. It is so nice after all the recent craziness. I feel that I have a chance to stop & take stock of what is going on with me & take a deep breath before making any decisions. Haven't been in this place in so long! Maybe never - or at least since I had kids! :) Don't want to squander it. And I am very thankful that I have friends who will talk straight to me -

Conformity

For some reason, thoughts about conformity have been flitting through my mind all day. And not necessarily good ones! 

I am beginning to realize that we are trained to conform from practically the minute of birth. The color of clothing we wear is dictated by others - girls wear pink, boys wear blue - we don't stand out if we look the same. Our sleeping & eating is dictated by the 'norms' of our society, not our biorhythms. As we grow up, we are inundated with the calls to conform to those around us - you know, peer pressure. Though it's not just our peers, but our parents also want us to conform to the standards they have. They want us to be like the always exceptional & extraordinary children of their peers (if they only knew!). You hardly ever see parents encourage their kids to be different - to stand out - to be true to themselves. 

But think of the heartache we all would have missed out on if we had been allowed to follow our spirits & hearts. Just think of how complete & whole we would all feel if we had known we didn't have to fit in with everyone else & could be different. Those awful, crushing, teenage years could have been filled with adventure & excitement & the discovery of true realness in ourselves. It seemed that no matter how hard we tried to fit in, we never could.  Even those that we held up to be the epitome of teenage perfection will tell you now that they never felt perfect either - there was always something that kept them from feeling like they had arrived. That's where fads & trends come from - someone trying to find the piece that will complete the picture of perfection. No one ever really attains it - it is as elusive as the glancing breeze on a summer day. 

Perfection lies within each of us, not without. It does not come from the opinions of others or the malls or the accolades or the money. It comes from our spirit - when we listen to the whisper of the Divine in our heart & not the words coming from another man's mouth. When we follow the labyrinth to the center of our soul & find our own reality & totality. We each came here to fulfill a destiny & then we sabotage it by striving to be what is expected instead of what is real.

As children we hear that calling of the Divine much more clearly than we do as adults. But as we grow, it gets walled in by the expectations of society & by life. Then we spend our adult years trying to knock those walls down & be who we are supposed to be. Or at least, some of us do. Some are content to be what they are told & never again hear that whisper of the Divine longing for her children to come out & play.

But I am finally tuning into that call again - I am running for the path of the Divine - the freedom of being true to me - and each step I take makes me more complete than I have been since birth.  

Conformity be damned! Here I come world! Can you handle me? Do you dare try?

Winter Musings

This winter has provided ample time for musing on different things. Too many home bound snow days already! So here goes - 

1. I love to look at winter trees. Their bare limbs reaching for the sky & the sun are beautiful. Without their covering of leaves they show their real character to those who care enough to notice. Each has a slight difference from the one next to it - some differences are very obvious - others take a minute to see. It makes me realize that without my facade of correctness & propriety I am also a very unique & special person. I am different from the one next to me & no one can be like me. I need to learn to celebrate my differences & not hide in conformity. And I need to see the uniqueness of those standing next to me & help them celebrate the treasure they are.

2. I am surrounded by mountains here in western NC. These mountains give me such a sense of protection & security & home. Watching them in the changing seasons is a wonderful thing. Fall & winter are the most fun seasons  for me. As the trees lose their coverings, you begin to discover aspects of the mountains that are hidden during the spring & summer. You see houses that you didn't know were there - roads that wind up & down & around - hidden clearings amongst the trees & deep coves between the ridges. It's like a treasure hunt! And when it snows & those mountains are covered in a soft white blanket that really delineates all the clearings & roads & coves it is a spectacular thing to see! 

3. This winter is proving to be one of introspection for me. I guess the winter before my 50th birthday should be. I am figuring more about myself & realizing that some of my treasures are ready to be shared. I am realizing that my differences are a cause for celebration, even if they make some feel uncomfortable. I am finding my voice again & I am glad. I have been silent too long & need to speak out, even if it's just to a few friends or my cats. I need to speak for as I speak I clarify; as I speak I testify; as I speak I help; as I speak I educate; as I speak I blossom. I am ready to blossom!

Goddess, grant me the courage to speak!