Most of the chaos has revolved around vacation time. The girls & I have been planning since last summer to go to the beach for a week this summer for Carly's graduation present. We planned on taking 3 of their friends and just chilling out. I was looking forward to a wonderful week relaxing & doing as we please by the sea. Of course, that has now changed -
My dad's side of the family is gathering in Anna Maria Island for a week. I want my daughters to have this family time with the extended family but I really didn't want to spend my vacation with certain bitter, negative, bitchy, manipulative, snide, derogatory members of said extended family. But I agree to go for my girls' sake & my dads'. We are going to be renting houses side by side & I figured that I can avoid those nasty members a good bit.
Here's where it gets good - I find out this week that the one cousin that I have a very hard time dealing with & her very bratty 10 yr old are also going to be staying in the house that the girls & I will be in. And all the extra friends are still coming with us - so. I lost it. I had a mini meltdown - my emotions went nuts. I ended up bawling & getting very upset about this. I was getting physically sick of the idea of spending a week with her & this vacation is 4 months away! That's how bad she affects me.
There are lots of back issues involved - one is the fact that growing up I was told every time we spent time with this side of the family that I had to set an example for them as a good little Christian child. What actually happened was I was bullied & walked all over & was a doormat for this cousin. She blamed me for everything that happened - that she did - or orchestrated it to look like I did it. And I was not allowed to defend myself in any way. Then we were constantly pitted against each other by my grandmother - I don't think she meant it to be harmful but it did not cause us to become best friends. And now this cousin has just become very bitter & hard & bitchy due to her life choices. And her mother is not much better.
I took a some personal time yesterday from work, cause I was so upset by all this that I couldn't function. I drove into Asheville & went to the labyrinth. I walked the labyrinth, asking the Goddess to show me what the core was - what I needed to know to deal with this. This labyrinth in Asheville is in the River Arts district - right next to train tracks - traffic - dogs barking - the smell of spray paint. But I was able to really feel Her in me & hear Her talking to me as I walked it. She helped me realize that I can find peace & quiet in Her in the midst of chaos - that I need to turn to her when I am feeling so nuts. I finished the labyrinth & went over the river and sat & meditated & walked some more. As I was enjoying the sun on the river, She really slammed me with something. The reason that I was so upset was that once again my vacation had been usurped by family - that I was feeling like I had lost control of something that was very important to me. I was panicking because I was reliving all the years before when I had not been able to defend myself & be me in the family. This was reinforced by the good aunt telling me to bite my tongue around the others. So my Goddess told me to take back control. To still go & be part of the family but to be in control of my time & vacation - to not be on the defensive but to just do as I choose. Not to ignore them and definitely not allow them to bully & walk all over me - but just to do as I needed to for my vacation.
So another chance for growth - another chance to learn about me & what needs to be overcome in me. Practically, I am going to make plans with my girls to do things - if they don't want to, then I will on my own. I am going to function down there as if I was on vacation by myself. I will spend time with the family but it is not going to be my top concern - I will defend myself if they get snippy.
I am once again looking forward to vacation - and I think it will definitely be a turning point for me - a good one - a growth time - a time to reveal more treasures that have been hidden for ever -
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