Had a stressful Monday - wonderful way to start off the week! My daughter Shelby was driving home from Nashville this morning & her car broke down along I-40. She called her dad (who she has been telling him for a while now that it wasn't running right & he hasn't taken the time to check it since he is a mechanic) & then he called me & while I was talking to him, she called me. As she & I were talking & trying to work out the details of what needed to be done to get her to a safe place, a car pulled up behind her. I told her to stay on the phone with me as she talked to the man that approached her. Thank the Goddess many times over for this gentleman! He owned a towing business & small repair shop in the town that she was near. He took her to a nearby Burger King, then got his truck, went & got her car, brought it to her at Burger King so she could get her stuff, gave us all the info we needed to find him again, and took the car to his shop. I called my aunt in Knoxville & she went to get Shelby. I got Carly out of school & we left to get Shelby in Knoxville.
On the drive home, we were talking about my cousin Michelle, who is filing for divorce from her husband, and of course the girls' dad came up in conversation. My aunt for some reason just loves him & always defends him. When I got to her house to pick Shelby up, I said something about Ken having a part in the car breaking down & she said that I couldn't blame everything on him. I said not everything, but this I could as he has known for a while that it wasn't running right & hadn't taken the time to check it out. Any way, the girls said that he was a good guy, & I said yes, but my aunt wasn't his wife & neither were they. And living with a person that is emotionally distant & controlling & manipulative & abusive was not offset by the fact that he was a 'good guy' to everyone else.
They both said that we all have trouble expressing our emotions to others & it wasn't just him. I agreed, but I stated that he was mainly the cause of that - because he never accepted our feelings as real if they didn't agree with his, so we learned not to express our feelings to others in case they also rejected them. But I don't think we are as emotionally reticent as he is because we do express them to each other - at least I know that I have begun to over the past couple of years & they don't ever hold back from me -
I know that I also learned to hold back my true feelings because they weren't accepted by my parents - if they didn't agree with their views, then I couldn't have them. I guess I went from one cage to another - but I am coming out of both!!!!!! I do feel like a bird let out of a cage for the first time - having room to really stretch my wings & fly - can't wait to see where it all takes me!
PS - the guy in TN with the car talked to Shelby's dad & said that the engine is basically shot - main bearing gone or something like that. But he checked the car for over 3 hours & didn't charge a thing & said that he would extend the storage fee past the normal 2 days if we needed him to. He is wonderful - a real gift from the Goddess this Winter Solstice. So if you ever need a tow in the Cookeville TN area - call Bohannen's Towing - 931-839-3423. Bobby is terrific!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas from Dad
Got a Christmas card/letter from my Dad. Of course, it wasn't just for me - he sent the same letter to all family & friends. This is the first Christmas without my mom. She passed in September, so it is a difficult holiday for all of us. He sent me a picture of our family when I was about 5 - I think it was for our Christmas card that year. He also sent a picture of my Mom with each of my daughters - addressed to them & telling them of how much she loved them. It was so sweet -
But it also brought back memories of all those times that my mother was judgmental & condemning of my choices & my life. It was always hard to measure up to her expectations - I still think she never forgave me for not marrying a preacher! I was born for a different destiny then she had in mind for me & we always butted heads over so many things! I have tried really hard to make sure that my daughters understand that I love them no matter what - that their choices are theirs, even if I don't like them; that their life is theirs to do what they choose - and if it takes them a while to figure that out, they can have an adventure on the journey. I want the best for them & want them to be safe & loved & happy, but I also know that they have to find the way themselves. I cannot do it for them & I cannot force them to do it my way. I learned from my mom's mistakes raising me. I know my mom loved me, but I also know so much was dependent on how I behaved & what my choices were & how I lived my life. I have never been sure how deep that love went - it was always easy for her to leave me to travel with church stuff. She never expressed regret for all the times she left me to go 'build the church of God' - even when she knew how much I resented those times.
Oh, well - this is stuff that will be dealt with in this journey - issues to be resolved so I can move on to fulfill my destiny. So much work to do -
But it also brought back memories of all those times that my mother was judgmental & condemning of my choices & my life. It was always hard to measure up to her expectations - I still think she never forgave me for not marrying a preacher! I was born for a different destiny then she had in mind for me & we always butted heads over so many things! I have tried really hard to make sure that my daughters understand that I love them no matter what - that their choices are theirs, even if I don't like them; that their life is theirs to do what they choose - and if it takes them a while to figure that out, they can have an adventure on the journey. I want the best for them & want them to be safe & loved & happy, but I also know that they have to find the way themselves. I cannot do it for them & I cannot force them to do it my way. I learned from my mom's mistakes raising me. I know my mom loved me, but I also know so much was dependent on how I behaved & what my choices were & how I lived my life. I have never been sure how deep that love went - it was always easy for her to leave me to travel with church stuff. She never expressed regret for all the times she left me to go 'build the church of God' - even when she knew how much I resented those times.
Oh, well - this is stuff that will be dealt with in this journey - issues to be resolved so I can move on to fulfill my destiny. So much work to do -
Monday, November 15, 2010
Odds & Ends
Just so many little things from this weekend -
1. The kitties went outside for the first time - and it was a hoot watching them try to figure out grass & leaves & birds & rocks, They figured out how to crawl under the deck & when I would call them their heads would pop out from different places - usually covered in spider webs. I left the door open Saturday afternoon so they could run in if they got nervous & BJ (the little female) would come in every once in awhile & check in with me. She would find me, meow a bit, then back outside she would run. On Sunday, I left the door open again and while sitting at the computer, I looked up and one of the neighbor cats was slowly making his way in the door to check us out. I asked him to skedaddle & then checked on the babies. They finally crawled out from under the sidewalk! After that, they were content to stay in for the rest of the day.
2. Managed to do a lot of sleeping, which I know I needed. Had many dreams of many things - past times mainly. Not in this lifetime past but past lives past. I specifically requested those types of dreams from the Goddess & lit a tea candle each night in my amethyst candle holder to help them come. They were very interesting & very detailed & very vivid. I knew that I had been there & I woke up each time feeling a little bit more complete - like a piece of the puzzle had been put in place. I know a bit more about me & why I am the way I am - and I am enjoying discovering what I can. I am definitely understanding that this life is not all there is or ever will be - I have had wonderful & varied lives before & will after - they weren't always easy & pain free, but they were good & fulfilling. I was strong & a fighter in many of them - a healer & a seer too. So much more to learn -
3. Shelby will be here the day before Thanksgiving! I will have a whole day with her at home & then Thanksgiving with her & the rest of the family! I am so excited to see her & spend more time with her. I think I really need that right now. It seems weird to have to give her directions 'home' but this will be her first time seeing the new place - I know she will love it. I told her to make sure she brings her camera this time!
4. Another wonderful conversation with the 'ex'. I know it's not legal or anything, but in my mind we are not married - we are not together - and haven't been for years. He doesn't seem to understand that. He calls me at least once a day, usually more, and if I am not happy to hear from him he starts pouting. I finally told him that I really don't need to talk to him that much. All the years we lived together under the same roof, he was never 'present' to talk with me when I needed to - he was always busy doing something or just couldn't bother to really sit down & listen. And the few times he did, he refused to really hear & understand what I was saying - my feelings were of no consequence because that is not how he felt or saw things - my needs were ridiculous because he was providing for the family - my job was not as hard as his because all I did was sit at a desk - etc. So now I told him that I am tired of talking about anything but what is absolutely necessary for the girls, etc. So we'll see -
Anyway - just a basic weekend -
1. The kitties went outside for the first time - and it was a hoot watching them try to figure out grass & leaves & birds & rocks, They figured out how to crawl under the deck & when I would call them their heads would pop out from different places - usually covered in spider webs. I left the door open Saturday afternoon so they could run in if they got nervous & BJ (the little female) would come in every once in awhile & check in with me. She would find me, meow a bit, then back outside she would run. On Sunday, I left the door open again and while sitting at the computer, I looked up and one of the neighbor cats was slowly making his way in the door to check us out. I asked him to skedaddle & then checked on the babies. They finally crawled out from under the sidewalk! After that, they were content to stay in for the rest of the day.
2. Managed to do a lot of sleeping, which I know I needed. Had many dreams of many things - past times mainly. Not in this lifetime past but past lives past. I specifically requested those types of dreams from the Goddess & lit a tea candle each night in my amethyst candle holder to help them come. They were very interesting & very detailed & very vivid. I knew that I had been there & I woke up each time feeling a little bit more complete - like a piece of the puzzle had been put in place. I know a bit more about me & why I am the way I am - and I am enjoying discovering what I can. I am definitely understanding that this life is not all there is or ever will be - I have had wonderful & varied lives before & will after - they weren't always easy & pain free, but they were good & fulfilling. I was strong & a fighter in many of them - a healer & a seer too. So much more to learn -
3. Shelby will be here the day before Thanksgiving! I will have a whole day with her at home & then Thanksgiving with her & the rest of the family! I am so excited to see her & spend more time with her. I think I really need that right now. It seems weird to have to give her directions 'home' but this will be her first time seeing the new place - I know she will love it. I told her to make sure she brings her camera this time!
4. Another wonderful conversation with the 'ex'. I know it's not legal or anything, but in my mind we are not married - we are not together - and haven't been for years. He doesn't seem to understand that. He calls me at least once a day, usually more, and if I am not happy to hear from him he starts pouting. I finally told him that I really don't need to talk to him that much. All the years we lived together under the same roof, he was never 'present' to talk with me when I needed to - he was always busy doing something or just couldn't bother to really sit down & listen. And the few times he did, he refused to really hear & understand what I was saying - my feelings were of no consequence because that is not how he felt or saw things - my needs were ridiculous because he was providing for the family - my job was not as hard as his because all I did was sit at a desk - etc. So now I told him that I am tired of talking about anything but what is absolutely necessary for the girls, etc. So we'll see -
Anyway - just a basic weekend -
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Life Goes On -
My mom transitioned from this earth to Summerlands about 4 weeks ago. I survived the Christian services quite well, and have been dealing with her passing with grace, thanks to the Goddess. Since her passing I have realized that many walls that I had kept up to please her have fallen by the wayside. Many mind sets have crumbled now that I don't have to worry about her approval of me. It has been a freeing event in my life & I wasn't expecting that at all. Mom's passing has also helped decide to get a stronger foundation in my beliefs and to cement my path. I still have a bit of emotional fog and know that I still have things that will come up that will have to be dealt with, but I also have found a new strength to get on with life.
Then this past weekend, I received a call from my estranged husband (at least on my side) notifying me that his dad had passed early that morning. More emotions to deal with, but fortunately not on the same scale as my mom's passing. But Sunday I had to go down to Greenville & accompany my MIL to the funeral home to make the final arrangements. I also had to identify the body for cremation purposes. Stressful is a mild word to describe that afternoon. My husband couldn't do it because he had a side job to do and didn't want to put it off cause it would inconvenience the property owner. I said that the owner would understand the situation but no, I had to take his place. Fortunately no service, only cremation & then burial at sea by the Navy. But I was drawing heavily on my reserves.
And of course, in the middle of all this, I am moving. Found a great little house on about an acre, with a pond, for less than we are paying in rent now. We are going to be completely in by the 30th. So looking forward to the new place - cleaner, better, cheaper - and ducks on the pond! Totally awesome!
Anyway, major stressers hitting all it once it seems - but silver linings have appeared & continue to show up, so it's not all bad. I was able to reconnect with one of my best friends from Second Church at Mom's funeral & found out that we have a lot more in common now then we did then! She is getting her 3rd degree in a pagan tradition - which blew my mind; she is transgender (without the operation) & married to a great woman who is also a 3rd degree pagan. I am so thrilled to have this opportunity to reconnect with someone that can help guide me in many changing areas of my life.
Anyway, I am going to try & be more consistent with this - just so I can get a chance to see how I change now that Mom has passed & I am not having to hide behind all those proper walls anymore - walls that I really never realized were there. So who knows where this will end up -
Thanks for reading -
Then this past weekend, I received a call from my estranged husband (at least on my side) notifying me that his dad had passed early that morning. More emotions to deal with, but fortunately not on the same scale as my mom's passing. But Sunday I had to go down to Greenville & accompany my MIL to the funeral home to make the final arrangements. I also had to identify the body for cremation purposes. Stressful is a mild word to describe that afternoon. My husband couldn't do it because he had a side job to do and didn't want to put it off cause it would inconvenience the property owner. I said that the owner would understand the situation but no, I had to take his place. Fortunately no service, only cremation & then burial at sea by the Navy. But I was drawing heavily on my reserves.
And of course, in the middle of all this, I am moving. Found a great little house on about an acre, with a pond, for less than we are paying in rent now. We are going to be completely in by the 30th. So looking forward to the new place - cleaner, better, cheaper - and ducks on the pond! Totally awesome!
Anyway, major stressers hitting all it once it seems - but silver linings have appeared & continue to show up, so it's not all bad. I was able to reconnect with one of my best friends from Second Church at Mom's funeral & found out that we have a lot more in common now then we did then! She is getting her 3rd degree in a pagan tradition - which blew my mind; she is transgender (without the operation) & married to a great woman who is also a 3rd degree pagan. I am so thrilled to have this opportunity to reconnect with someone that can help guide me in many changing areas of my life.
Anyway, I am going to try & be more consistent with this - just so I can get a chance to see how I change now that Mom has passed & I am not having to hide behind all those proper walls anymore - walls that I really never realized were there. So who knows where this will end up -
Thanks for reading -
Saturday, October 2, 2010
We've come a long way but -
Today my daughter Carly & I were eating at the local Waffle House. It was packed and I was enjoying the people watching.
After we came in, three older adults, two women & one man, all white, came in and sat at the counter. Shortly after, two older black men came in & sat in a booth. They offered their booth to a larger family who came in after them and moved to the counter.
While waiting on my order, I could hear the voices of these older folks talking. The two older black men & the older white man struck up a conversation & it continued the whole time I was there. Every so often one of the women would join in. There were moments of humor & also moments of seriousness, but you could tell they were enjoying this exchange of words.
As I listened to the cadence of their voices I was jolted out of my reverie by a sudden realization of just how far our country has come. About 50 years ago I would not have been able to witness this easy going conversation between strangers in a restaurant, as blacks & whites could not sit together. The black men would have gotten arrested for speaking to the white women. Fists would probably have been flying as the white man defended their honor. Yet today, there was an easy going acceptance of the rightness of this. As far as I could tell, no one else in the restaurant even gave it a second thought.
The participants in this conversation were old enough to remember the days before integration, yet they fell into easy camaraderie with each other as if this was the way it had always been. And to our children it has always been this way, with some small pockets of racism, especially in the deep South, but those are usually ignored these days. I talked about it with my daughter as we were leaving and she said one of the things she hates about NC is the racism - that kids her age act as if blacks are dangerous; get nervous when they see them in large groups or talk down about them. So we still have a ways to go before everyone is accepted as 'human' only, without distinctions due to race or gender or sexual preference. But it was nice to see just how far we have come, at least in the race issue, and gave me a faint hope that one day we will have obliterated every line that divides us as long as there are people that continue to teach the children that differences do not make us enemies, but give us strength to move forward together.
PS - And yes, I am very proud of my kids on this issue. I have tried very hard to raise them color blind, gender neutral & accepting of all, while their dad was exhibiting his prejudices at every turn. And they have exceeded my expectations at every opportunity.
After we came in, three older adults, two women & one man, all white, came in and sat at the counter. Shortly after, two older black men came in & sat in a booth. They offered their booth to a larger family who came in after them and moved to the counter.
While waiting on my order, I could hear the voices of these older folks talking. The two older black men & the older white man struck up a conversation & it continued the whole time I was there. Every so often one of the women would join in. There were moments of humor & also moments of seriousness, but you could tell they were enjoying this exchange of words.
As I listened to the cadence of their voices I was jolted out of my reverie by a sudden realization of just how far our country has come. About 50 years ago I would not have been able to witness this easy going conversation between strangers in a restaurant, as blacks & whites could not sit together. The black men would have gotten arrested for speaking to the white women. Fists would probably have been flying as the white man defended their honor. Yet today, there was an easy going acceptance of the rightness of this. As far as I could tell, no one else in the restaurant even gave it a second thought.
The participants in this conversation were old enough to remember the days before integration, yet they fell into easy camaraderie with each other as if this was the way it had always been. And to our children it has always been this way, with some small pockets of racism, especially in the deep South, but those are usually ignored these days. I talked about it with my daughter as we were leaving and she said one of the things she hates about NC is the racism - that kids her age act as if blacks are dangerous; get nervous when they see them in large groups or talk down about them. So we still have a ways to go before everyone is accepted as 'human' only, without distinctions due to race or gender or sexual preference. But it was nice to see just how far we have come, at least in the race issue, and gave me a faint hope that one day we will have obliterated every line that divides us as long as there are people that continue to teach the children that differences do not make us enemies, but give us strength to move forward together.
PS - And yes, I am very proud of my kids on this issue. I have tried very hard to raise them color blind, gender neutral & accepting of all, while their dad was exhibiting his prejudices at every turn. And they have exceeded my expectations at every opportunity.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Various stuff -
Just had some different stuff floating through my mind for the last few days - so thought I would jot it down.
Sunday I was in Greenville SC visiting family, and while driving around was, well, not surprised, but taken aback, by the number of churches that had canceled Sunday night services for the Super Bowl - or were having Super Bowl parties. This was one of the things that always bugged me when I was 'churched'. I was taught that church was not controlled by this world and was focused on the spiritual. That is was to be 'led by the Spirit' not man. So I guess the Spirit wanted to watch the Super Bowl? Just saying -
Then Sunday afternoon got the text that my daughter's school was on a 2 hour delay for Monday. No precipitation in the forecast, just cold after warm day. Why the 2 hour delay? And how come they can make the decision for a non-precipitating delay a day ahead of time, but when it is actually doing something weather wise, they wait til 2 hours before school starts to let us know? Just a little screwy in MHO -
Saw my mother on Sunday - really hard to see her now. She is very weak and obviously had moments when she didn't know who we were or why we were there. Her eyes are so blank now when they used to be so full of life, intelligence and love. It was really hard to sit there, watching her and try to act normal. I knew that whatever I was saying she wasn't getting and wouldn't remember. Though I know that I will probably lose her this year, I know in my heart that I have been slowly losing her during the past few years! Physically she is present, but mentally, she is gone. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease - it robs families of so much!
Just realized while sitting here that I hadn't changed my calendar to February! Oh, well - that's life.
One more thing on my mind - I am so thankful for the friends I have made through Twitter. They make me laugh, keep me engaged, encourage me, and cry with me. I am enjoying them more & more every day - and I can't wait to meet some of them at Beltane Brouhaha! I am so happy for that little bird -
Thanks for reading -
Sunday I was in Greenville SC visiting family, and while driving around was, well, not surprised, but taken aback, by the number of churches that had canceled Sunday night services for the Super Bowl - or were having Super Bowl parties. This was one of the things that always bugged me when I was 'churched'. I was taught that church was not controlled by this world and was focused on the spiritual. That is was to be 'led by the Spirit' not man. So I guess the Spirit wanted to watch the Super Bowl? Just saying -
Then Sunday afternoon got the text that my daughter's school was on a 2 hour delay for Monday. No precipitation in the forecast, just cold after warm day. Why the 2 hour delay? And how come they can make the decision for a non-precipitating delay a day ahead of time, but when it is actually doing something weather wise, they wait til 2 hours before school starts to let us know? Just a little screwy in MHO -
Saw my mother on Sunday - really hard to see her now. She is very weak and obviously had moments when she didn't know who we were or why we were there. Her eyes are so blank now when they used to be so full of life, intelligence and love. It was really hard to sit there, watching her and try to act normal. I knew that whatever I was saying she wasn't getting and wouldn't remember. Though I know that I will probably lose her this year, I know in my heart that I have been slowly losing her during the past few years! Physically she is present, but mentally, she is gone. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease - it robs families of so much!
Just realized while sitting here that I hadn't changed my calendar to February! Oh, well - that's life.
One more thing on my mind - I am so thankful for the friends I have made through Twitter. They make me laugh, keep me engaged, encourage me, and cry with me. I am enjoying them more & more every day - and I can't wait to meet some of them at Beltane Brouhaha! I am so happy for that little bird -
Thanks for reading -
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Time
It has been a while since I last posted - I am not very good at this! But so much has happened in that time -
My oldest, the one I argue with, is going to college! She is going to the Art Institute of Nashville and will be getting a BA in Photographic Imaging. I am very excited, but also dreading the day she leaves. As much as we argue, she keeps me lively and entertained and I will miss her sorely. I want her to go forth and conquer on her own, and feel that this is where her heart really lies. I know she will do well, but am scared about letting her loose upon the world. She's not naive, but is vulnerable. Goddess, help me deal!
Work has also been very stressful! Just really bogged down in all the little stuff - not able to get anything truly finished. Drives me nuts! We are getting overwhelmed with people who can't make do on what little they have. My heart hurts as I talk to them, but I can't do anything for them. I am working on review today where the 74 yr old woman lives on $690 a month - she can't really afford toilet paper, much less anything else. I am trying to figure out how I can buy her some stuff at the store and get it to her without letting her know its from me. But I can't really afford to support all the elderly in town -
Which leads me to this - the stars come out to raise money for Haiti (don't get me wrong, it is a good cause and I have contributed) but so many of our elderly are barely making it here in America. Can we not do something for them? Can we not have telethons and fundraisers to help them? They have given so much over the years to help create this great country we live in and then we toss them aside when they reach a certain age. How terrible is that? How unfeeling and selfish are we? We give to every country around us that asks, but cannot take care of our own and help them live in some degree of comfort and security. I am guilty of seeing these things and not doing anything myself - in my job I have to keep my heart from getting too involved - but it makes me cry to think of this poor little lady sitting in her small apartment with very little to comfort her. In just a few years I may be in that same position - we all could.
Let us take some time to bring comfort to the crones around us - to lift their spirits a little and let them know someone cares about them. We will be there soon enough and will need it ourselves. Crones are not to be put on the shelf, but are to looked to for wisdom and faith and love. Age gives us much to share at a time when most overlook us - let's open our eyes and see what we can receive from those who have gone before us and then do what we can to ease their dwindling days.
My oldest, the one I argue with, is going to college! She is going to the Art Institute of Nashville and will be getting a BA in Photographic Imaging. I am very excited, but also dreading the day she leaves. As much as we argue, she keeps me lively and entertained and I will miss her sorely. I want her to go forth and conquer on her own, and feel that this is where her heart really lies. I know she will do well, but am scared about letting her loose upon the world. She's not naive, but is vulnerable. Goddess, help me deal!
Work has also been very stressful! Just really bogged down in all the little stuff - not able to get anything truly finished. Drives me nuts! We are getting overwhelmed with people who can't make do on what little they have. My heart hurts as I talk to them, but I can't do anything for them. I am working on review today where the 74 yr old woman lives on $690 a month - she can't really afford toilet paper, much less anything else. I am trying to figure out how I can buy her some stuff at the store and get it to her without letting her know its from me. But I can't really afford to support all the elderly in town -
Which leads me to this - the stars come out to raise money for Haiti (don't get me wrong, it is a good cause and I have contributed) but so many of our elderly are barely making it here in America. Can we not do something for them? Can we not have telethons and fundraisers to help them? They have given so much over the years to help create this great country we live in and then we toss them aside when they reach a certain age. How terrible is that? How unfeeling and selfish are we? We give to every country around us that asks, but cannot take care of our own and help them live in some degree of comfort and security. I am guilty of seeing these things and not doing anything myself - in my job I have to keep my heart from getting too involved - but it makes me cry to think of this poor little lady sitting in her small apartment with very little to comfort her. In just a few years I may be in that same position - we all could.
Let us take some time to bring comfort to the crones around us - to lift their spirits a little and let them know someone cares about them. We will be there soon enough and will need it ourselves. Crones are not to be put on the shelf, but are to looked to for wisdom and faith and love. Age gives us much to share at a time when most overlook us - let's open our eyes and see what we can receive from those who have gone before us and then do what we can to ease their dwindling days.
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