Another day -

So looking forward to this weekend! Both days are fully scheduled, but full of fun. Hoodoo workshop Saturday at Mother Grove, then getting my first tattoo at 5:00. Trying not to chicken out! Then on Sunday, going to morning devotional at Mother Grove & then on to Charlotte with Angela for a blogger something. But it has free food & stuff, so it's all good. Angela & I will be talking about planning a summer fete for Mother Grove to help raise money for In the Arms of the Goddess - the temple's charity outreach. Really looking forward to helping with this -

Had my first chat with my life coach. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was really neat. Just answering the basic questions helped me think of ways to achieve my goals in the different areas of my life. I can see this experience being very helpful for me -

Have started planning for Carly's graduation trip[ to the beach this summer - we are going down to Ormond by the Sea for the first week of July. So excited to be going to the beach! I haven't been in almost 15 years & I need some ocean time so bad! Put money into a separate bank account to start saving. A big chunk of the tax refund will go int here too, but it is going to be so much fun -

Am really feeling at peace with a lot in my life right now. It is so nice after all the recent craziness. I feel that I have a chance to stop & take stock of what is going on with me & take a deep breath before making any decisions. Haven't been in this place in so long! Maybe never - or at least since I had kids! :) Don't want to squander it. And I am very thankful that I have friends who will talk straight to me -

Conformity

For some reason, thoughts about conformity have been flitting through my mind all day. And not necessarily good ones! 

I am beginning to realize that we are trained to conform from practically the minute of birth. The color of clothing we wear is dictated by others - girls wear pink, boys wear blue - we don't stand out if we look the same. Our sleeping & eating is dictated by the 'norms' of our society, not our biorhythms. As we grow up, we are inundated with the calls to conform to those around us - you know, peer pressure. Though it's not just our peers, but our parents also want us to conform to the standards they have. They want us to be like the always exceptional & extraordinary children of their peers (if they only knew!). You hardly ever see parents encourage their kids to be different - to stand out - to be true to themselves. 

But think of the heartache we all would have missed out on if we had been allowed to follow our spirits & hearts. Just think of how complete & whole we would all feel if we had known we didn't have to fit in with everyone else & could be different. Those awful, crushing, teenage years could have been filled with adventure & excitement & the discovery of true realness in ourselves. It seemed that no matter how hard we tried to fit in, we never could.  Even those that we held up to be the epitome of teenage perfection will tell you now that they never felt perfect either - there was always something that kept them from feeling like they had arrived. That's where fads & trends come from - someone trying to find the piece that will complete the picture of perfection. No one ever really attains it - it is as elusive as the glancing breeze on a summer day. 

Perfection lies within each of us, not without. It does not come from the opinions of others or the malls or the accolades or the money. It comes from our spirit - when we listen to the whisper of the Divine in our heart & not the words coming from another man's mouth. When we follow the labyrinth to the center of our soul & find our own reality & totality. We each came here to fulfill a destiny & then we sabotage it by striving to be what is expected instead of what is real.

As children we hear that calling of the Divine much more clearly than we do as adults. But as we grow, it gets walled in by the expectations of society & by life. Then we spend our adult years trying to knock those walls down & be who we are supposed to be. Or at least, some of us do. Some are content to be what they are told & never again hear that whisper of the Divine longing for her children to come out & play.

But I am finally tuning into that call again - I am running for the path of the Divine - the freedom of being true to me - and each step I take makes me more complete than I have been since birth.  

Conformity be damned! Here I come world! Can you handle me? Do you dare try?

Winter Musings

This winter has provided ample time for musing on different things. Too many home bound snow days already! So here goes - 

1. I love to look at winter trees. Their bare limbs reaching for the sky & the sun are beautiful. Without their covering of leaves they show their real character to those who care enough to notice. Each has a slight difference from the one next to it - some differences are very obvious - others take a minute to see. It makes me realize that without my facade of correctness & propriety I am also a very unique & special person. I am different from the one next to me & no one can be like me. I need to learn to celebrate my differences & not hide in conformity. And I need to see the uniqueness of those standing next to me & help them celebrate the treasure they are.

2. I am surrounded by mountains here in western NC. These mountains give me such a sense of protection & security & home. Watching them in the changing seasons is a wonderful thing. Fall & winter are the most fun seasons  for me. As the trees lose their coverings, you begin to discover aspects of the mountains that are hidden during the spring & summer. You see houses that you didn't know were there - roads that wind up & down & around - hidden clearings amongst the trees & deep coves between the ridges. It's like a treasure hunt! And when it snows & those mountains are covered in a soft white blanket that really delineates all the clearings & roads & coves it is a spectacular thing to see! 

3. This winter is proving to be one of introspection for me. I guess the winter before my 50th birthday should be. I am figuring more about myself & realizing that some of my treasures are ready to be shared. I am realizing that my differences are a cause for celebration, even if they make some feel uncomfortable. I am finding my voice again & I am glad. I have been silent too long & need to speak out, even if it's just to a few friends or my cats. I need to speak for as I speak I clarify; as I speak I testify; as I speak I help; as I speak I educate; as I speak I blossom. I am ready to blossom!

Goddess, grant me the courage to speak!

Another view -

Had a stressful Monday - wonderful way to start off the week! My daughter Shelby was driving home from Nashville this morning & her car broke down along I-40. She called her dad (who she has been telling him for a while now that it wasn't running right & he hasn't taken the time to check it since he is a mechanic) & then he called me & while I was talking to him, she called me. As she & I were talking & trying to work out the details of what needed to be done to get her to a safe place, a car pulled up behind her. I told her to stay on the phone with me as she talked to the man that approached her. Thank the Goddess many times over for this gentleman! He owned a towing business & small repair shop in the town that she was near. He took her to a nearby Burger King, then got his truck, went & got her car, brought it to her at Burger King so she could get her stuff, gave us all the info we needed to find him again, and took the car to his shop. I called my aunt in Knoxville & she went to get Shelby. I got Carly out of school & we left to get Shelby in Knoxville.

On the drive home, we were talking about my cousin Michelle, who is filing for divorce from her husband, and of course the girls' dad came up in conversation. My aunt for some reason just loves him & always defends him. When I got to her house to pick Shelby up, I said something about Ken having a part in the car breaking down & she said that I couldn't blame everything on him. I said not everything, but this I could as he has known for a while that it wasn't running right & hadn't taken the time to check it out. Any way, the girls said that he was a good guy, & I said yes, but my aunt wasn't his wife & neither were they. And living with a person that is emotionally distant & controlling & manipulative & abusive was not offset by the fact that he was a 'good guy' to everyone else.

They both said that we all have trouble expressing our emotions to others & it wasn't just him. I agreed, but I stated that he was mainly the cause of that - because he never accepted our feelings as real if they didn't agree with his, so we learned not to express our feelings to others in case they also rejected them. But I don't think we are as emotionally reticent as he is because we do express them to each other - at least I know that I have begun to over the past couple of years & they don't ever hold back from me -

I know that I also learned to hold back my true feelings because they weren't accepted by my parents - if they didn't agree with their views, then I couldn't have them. I guess I went from one cage to another - but I am coming out of both!!!!!! I do feel like a bird let out of a cage for the first time - having room to really stretch my wings & fly - can't wait to see where it all takes me!


PS - the guy in TN with the car talked to Shelby's dad & said that the engine is basically shot - main bearing gone or something like that. But he checked the car for over 3 hours & didn't charge a thing & said that he would extend the storage fee past the normal 2 days if we needed him to. He is wonderful - a real gift from the Goddess this Winter Solstice. So if you ever need a tow in the Cookeville TN area - call Bohannen's Towing - 931-839-3423. Bobby is terrific!

Christmas from Dad

Got a Christmas card/letter from my Dad. Of course, it wasn't just for me - he sent the same letter to all family & friends. This is the first Christmas without my mom. She passed in September, so it is a difficult holiday for all of us. He sent me a picture of our family when I was about 5 - I think it was for our Christmas card that year. He also sent a picture of my Mom with each of my daughters - addressed to them & telling them of how much she loved them. It was so sweet -

But it also brought back memories of all those times that my mother was judgmental & condemning of my choices & my life. It was always hard to measure up to her expectations - I still think she never forgave me for not marrying a preacher! I was born for a different destiny then she had in mind for me & we always butted heads over so many things! I have tried really hard to make sure that my daughters understand that I love them no matter what - that their choices are theirs, even if I don't like them; that their life is theirs to do what they choose - and if it takes them a while to figure that out, they can have an adventure on the journey. I want the best for them & want them to be safe & loved & happy, but I also know that they have to find the way themselves. I cannot do it for them & I cannot force them to do it my way. I learned from my mom's mistakes raising me. I know my mom loved me, but I also know so much was dependent on how I behaved & what my choices were & how I lived my life. I have never been sure how deep that love went - it was always easy for her to leave me to travel with church stuff. She never expressed regret for all the times she left me to go 'build the church of God' - even when she knew how much I resented those times.

Oh, well - this is stuff that will be dealt with in this journey - issues to be resolved so I can move on to fulfill my destiny. So much work to do -

Odds & Ends

Just so many little things from this weekend -

1. The kitties went outside for the first time - and it was a hoot watching them try to figure out grass & leaves & birds & rocks, They figured out how to crawl under the deck & when I would call them their heads would pop out from different places - usually covered in spider webs. I left the door open Saturday afternoon so they could run in if they got nervous & BJ (the little female) would come in every once in awhile & check in with me. She would find me, meow a bit, then back outside she would run. On Sunday, I left the door open again and while sitting at the computer, I looked up and one of the neighbor cats was slowly making his way in the door to check us out. I asked him to skedaddle & then checked on the babies. They finally crawled out from under the sidewalk! After that, they were content to stay in for the rest of the day.

2. Managed to do a lot of sleeping, which I know I needed. Had many dreams of many things - past times mainly. Not in this lifetime past but past lives past. I specifically requested those types of dreams from the Goddess & lit a tea candle each night in my amethyst candle holder to help them come. They were very interesting & very detailed & very vivid. I knew that I had been there & I woke up each time feeling a little bit more complete - like a piece of the puzzle had been put in place. I know a bit more about me & why I am the way I am - and I am enjoying discovering what I can. I am definitely understanding that this life is not all there is or ever will be - I have had wonderful & varied lives before & will after -  they weren't always easy & pain free, but they were good & fulfilling. I was strong & a fighter in many of them - a healer & a seer too. So much more to learn -

3. Shelby will be here the day before Thanksgiving! I will have a whole day with her at home & then Thanksgiving with her & the rest of the family! I am so excited to see her & spend more time with her. I think I really need that right now. It seems weird to have to give her directions 'home' but this will be her first time seeing the new place - I know she will love it. I told her to make sure she brings her camera this time!

4. Another wonderful conversation with the 'ex'. I know it's not legal or anything, but in my mind we are not married - we are not together - and haven't been for years. He doesn't seem to understand that. He calls me at least once a day, usually more, and if I am not happy to hear from him he starts pouting. I finally told him that I really don't need to talk to him that much. All the years we lived together under the same roof, he was never 'present' to talk with me when I needed to - he was always busy doing something or just couldn't bother to really sit down & listen. And the few times he did, he refused to really hear & understand what I was saying - my feelings were of no consequence because that is not how he felt or saw things - my needs were ridiculous because he was providing for the family - my job was not as hard as his because all I did was sit at a desk - etc. So now I told him that I am tired of talking about anything but what is absolutely necessary for the girls, etc. So we'll see -

Anyway - just a basic weekend -

Life Goes On -

My mom transitioned from this earth to Summerlands about 4 weeks ago. I survived the Christian services quite well, and have been dealing with her passing with grace, thanks to the Goddess. Since her passing I have realized that many walls that I had kept up to please her have fallen by the wayside. Many mind sets have crumbled now that I don't have to worry about her approval of me. It has been a freeing event in my life & I wasn't expecting that at all. Mom's passing has also helped decide to get a stronger foundation in my beliefs and to cement my path. I still have a bit of emotional fog and know that I still have things that will come up that will have to be dealt with, but I also have found a new strength to get on with life. 

Then this past weekend, I received a call from my estranged husband (at least on my side) notifying me that his dad had passed early that morning. More emotions to deal with, but fortunately not on the same scale as my mom's passing. But Sunday I had to go down to Greenville & accompany my MIL to the funeral home to make the final arrangements. I also had to identify the body for cremation purposes. Stressful is a mild word to describe that afternoon. My husband couldn't do it because he had a side job to do and didn't want to put it off cause it would inconvenience the property owner. I said that the owner would understand the situation but no, I had to take his place. Fortunately no service, only cremation & then burial at sea by the Navy. But I was drawing heavily on my reserves. 

And of course, in the middle of all this, I am moving. Found a great little house on about an acre, with a pond, for less than we are paying in rent now. We are going to be completely in by the 30th. So looking forward to the new place - cleaner, better, cheaper - and ducks on the pond! Totally awesome!

Anyway, major stressers hitting all it once it seems - but silver linings have appeared & continue to show up, so it's not all bad. I was able to reconnect with one of my best friends from Second Church at Mom's funeral & found out that we have a lot more in common now then we did then! She is getting her 3rd degree in a pagan tradition - which blew my mind; she is transgender (without the operation) & married to a great woman who is also a 3rd degree pagan. I am so thrilled to have this opportunity to reconnect with someone that can help guide me in many changing areas of my life. 

Anyway, I am going to try & be more consistent with this - just so I can get a chance to see how I change now that Mom has passed & I am not having to hide behind all those proper walls anymore - walls that I really never realized were there.  So who knows where this will end up - 

Thanks for reading -