Got a Christmas card/letter from my Dad. Of course, it wasn't just for me - he sent the same letter to all family & friends. This is the first Christmas without my mom. She passed in September, so it is a difficult holiday for all of us. He sent me a picture of our family when I was about 5 - I think it was for our Christmas card that year. He also sent a picture of my Mom with each of my daughters - addressed to them & telling them of how much she loved them. It was so sweet -
But it also brought back memories of all those times that my mother was judgmental & condemning of my choices & my life. It was always hard to measure up to her expectations - I still think she never forgave me for not marrying a preacher! I was born for a different destiny then she had in mind for me & we always butted heads over so many things! I have tried really hard to make sure that my daughters understand that I love them no matter what - that their choices are theirs, even if I don't like them; that their life is theirs to do what they choose - and if it takes them a while to figure that out, they can have an adventure on the journey. I want the best for them & want them to be safe & loved & happy, but I also know that they have to find the way themselves. I cannot do it for them & I cannot force them to do it my way. I learned from my mom's mistakes raising me. I know my mom loved me, but I also know so much was dependent on how I behaved & what my choices were & how I lived my life. I have never been sure how deep that love went - it was always easy for her to leave me to travel with church stuff. She never expressed regret for all the times she left me to go 'build the church of God' - even when she knew how much I resented those times.
Oh, well - this is stuff that will be dealt with in this journey - issues to be resolved so I can move on to fulfill my destiny. So much work to do -
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Keep your head up sister your doing great!
ReplyDeleteYa know, its been a revelation to see this side of your parents and of you. Everybody makes jokes about the preacher's kid and rebellion, and blame is always laid upon the kid in that situation. But you were in so much more of a situation than I think anybody ever saw...you weren't just in the fish bowl of being the "preacher's kid" in a large very reformed fundamentalist church...you parents appeared to value appearance over substance, and status and the judgement of the church over caring for their daughter. And I don't doubt that your perceptions are valid...my own run in with your father gave me a different view of him than I suspect anybody else at that church had. I think you are seeing very clearly. That church seriously revered your parents - your father in particular. And that was a terrible burden for you to bear - especially as it seemed to span the denomination. There is a hypocrisy in there that runs deep, if your parents truly put the expectations of the church before the needs of the family. And then handled it so badly in how they communicated all that to you. I think at this point, you are truly handling these realizations and revelations with grace and dignity. I think writing about it and putting all the puzzle pieces together slowly and carefully and looking at the over all picture of your life and family as new realizations and info come to you is very, very important. I'm proud of you!
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